Driving Mr. Daisey

Here's a funny driving joke a friend of mine told me:

A senior citizen named Joe B. was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice. She sounded urgent as she warned him, "Joe, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-264. Please be careful!"

"Heck," replied Joe, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Spring is sweet

Today was the first real spring day we've had in Louisville. The temperature was near 80, the humidity was low, and you could just smell spring in the air. You could see the grass changing from dull winter brown to bright spring green right before your eyes. The forecast for Saturday is for wintry mix with temperatures in the low 40's, so Saturday can go ahead and kiss my butt right now.

Sunday Blue Laws

Yesterday was Easter. KMart is purchasing Sears, or vice versa. Anyway, Sears was open yesterday, on Easter, for the first time ever because KMart, their parent company keeps Sunday hours. SHAME ON SEARS. Sears does not need to be open on Easter Sunday - for that matter, KMart, Walmart, Target, Kroger or any other retailer does not need to be open, either.

I hate to sound like an old fart, but back when I was a kid (in the 1970's), places weren't open on Sundays like they are today. My rant has nothing to do with religion or worshipping your God on the Sabbath. It everything to do with one day out of seven being designated as a "time out" day. I am writing this message on an Internet Blog which will be posted IMMEDIATELY after I complete it. We got cell phones, microwave ovens, On-Star in your car to give you directions. Don't get me wrong - I love modern conveniences like electricity, running water, and toilet paper. I sleep better at night knowing that I can go to Walmart at 2:00 a.m. and purchase a new 32 inch TV in case mine goes kaplooey.

Maybe the world would be a little nicer if we all slowed down a little. So, I'm adding Sears to my boycott list, along with major league baseball. I think Sears will be a temporary boycott, say 3-6 months.

I love technology. But tonight, for one night, turn off your TV. It will be there tomorrow - I promise. If the weather is nice, go outside and take a walk. Talk to your neighbors. Meet your neighbors if you don't know them. Read a book. Write in your journal. Play a board game. Juggle.

Or go outside in the street and play baseball until dark with an imaginary man on first (My friend Bratch wrote an excellent short story about summer days gone by and playing baseball in the street until your Mom hollered for you to come home called "Imaginary Man on First." You guys remember summer don't you? When you were about 9 or 10, it seemed liked it lasted for months and months, and you played ball, rode bikes, and played with fire when your parents weren't looking). Just do something that doesn't involve technology.

What a Basketball Weekend

The University of Louisville basketball team had the most awesome weekend. They knocked off the number one seed in their region, Washington, and then came roaring back from 20 down to beat West Virginia in overtime. They are not the best team talent wise in college basketball this year - North Carolina or Illinois gets the nod there. For heart, determination, and sheer will to win, U of L is tops.

The Cards are freerolling now, playing with house money after making the Final Four. In their next game, they will be back in the role they play well - the underdog. Arizona proved that Illinois is beatable. If the Cards take the next two games one game at a time, and one half at a time, you never know what will happen. Next up - Illinois on Saturday.

I am really disappointed for Kentucky. I really wanted them to go to the Final Four, too, and at least set up the possibility of a U of L - UK final game. Chuck Hayes is gone after this year, but the underclassmen on this team have a ton of talent. Next year should be another great year for the Cats.

GO CARDS!

Support Minor League Baseball

I've made the decision - Major League baseball officially has one less fan. They can bite me. When I was a kid, my Dad and I usually took one trip a summer to Cincinnati to see the Reds play. Most often, we would sit up high in the red seats in old Riverfront Stadium. The seats were so high up that I would be scared to death to look down, but it was still a ton of fun. I remember watching Joe Morgan, Johnny Bench, Pete Rose, Davey Concepcion, Don Gullett and all the rest of the Big Red Machine from way up high, and cheering like crazy. I can only imagine how many home runs Johnny Bench would have hit if George Foster would have stuck a needle in his butt in a bathroom stall.

I have had it with Major League Baseball, with its juice pumping steroid boys. I will not be going to any major league baseball games this summer, and, more importantly, my milkshake drinking hiney is not going to watch any major league baseball on the television. There are too many other ways to spend my free time when the weather is warm. I can sit around, eat a big sandwich, teach my daughter to play catch, or go to the zoo with Mrs. Charlie Lee and my little rugrat.

One thing I will do is go see our minor league baseball team, The Louisville Bats, several times this summer. All tickets are less than $10, all seats at Slugger field are good, the beer, cokes and hot dogs are all tasty. Do the same, support your local minor league baseball team, and tell Major League baseball to go fly a kite.

Speaking of major league baseball, all this talk about Jose Canseco reminds me of something that I witnessed/took part in at old Cardinal Stadium. No felonies were committed, and all statutes of limitations have since run, so I will freely use people's real names. My friends, Tom and John (and Chris, too, I think) and I went to a Louisville Redbirds game in the early 1990s. Jose Canseco's brother, Ozzie, was there, playing for the Redbirds. We were sitting in general admission seating over on the third base side. As I recall, John was on about his 6th beer, and we were still in about the 3rd inning.

John had been mercilessly hollering at Ozzie Canseco, so much so, that by the second time Ozzie came to bat, all of the fans sitting around us had cleared out so that we had the entire section to ourselves.

Ozzie stepped to the plate, and in a voice loud enough to be heard in Oldham country, screams out, "Hey Ozzie, your brother got all the talent!!!"

Ozzie steps out of the box, glares up our way, steps back in the box, and then hits a home run on the next pitch, and stares us down the whole time he circles the bases. This was probably the highlight of Ozzie Canseco's baseball career.

Dog joke

Did you hear about the three-legged dog that walked into a saloon in the Old West?

He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Steroids and Baseball

Everyone is missing one important fact about the steroid issue in baseball and every other sport. POSSESSING OR USING STEROIDS IS AGAINST THE LAW. It's a felony crime to even have steroids in your possession, much less to use them. I don't want my tax dollars being wasted by a bunch of camera-happy Congressmen trying to look cute for their constituents back home in Texas, or Florida, or Utah, or where ever.

What I want is for some hot shot prosecutor in one of these major league towns to do his or her job and arrest and prosecute one of these juice injecting baseball players. Enforce the laws we have in place.

The fans are just as guilty as the players. After the player strike of 1994, we turned and looked the other way when McGuire, Sosa, Bonds and the rest of the 'roid boys were hitting 60 Jacks a year. We all thought the ball was juiced. Right. Anyone with half a brain knew it was the players that were juiced.

Steroids are an illegal drug, just like crack. Our cops and prosecutors think that prison is the perfect drug treatment program for crack heads. Maybe we should send some major league baseball players there too.

Mr. Mom

First of all, I apologize in advance for this post. It is a typical blog post in that I'm writing about what I did today and yesterday, just like the other millions of bloggers on the web. No, my life isn't anymore interesting that anyone elses, but, I've chosen to write about it. So read this entry if you want. If you don't want to, go to ESPN.COM and read about steroids in baseball or go to COURTTV.COM and read about Michael Jackson or Martha Stewart.

It's Saturday night, and my little one is off to bed. I've been Mr. Mom this weekend because Mrs. Charlie Lee is in Washington D.C. at a teachers conference. One thing I've realized about my daughter Abby this weekend is that this kid can EAT. Friday night we went to St. Pius' fish fry, and she ate ALL of my green beans, ALL of my mac and cheese, and about a quarter of my fish. She's 18 months old and is not overweight or fat in the slightest bit.

Today, it was more of the same. It's a good thing she runs around like a maniac and burns all that food off. After lunch today, we went to Toys-R-Us and purchased her the Little Tikes plastic bowling ball and pins. She doesn't want to roll the ball at the pins; she picks up the ball and DROPS it on the pins. Abby's method seems to work just fine. Maybe Pete Weber should try that on the Pro Bowlers Tour.

Tomorrow, it's church with my folks in the morning, and then they are taking us to breakfast at Golden Corral - where the sign at the door has been amended to say "All you CARE to eat," not "All you CAN eat." I love chowing down at the Golden Corral - what a cool name for a restaurant. Why don't they just quit fooling around and call it "Golden Trough?" Abby and I are going to make sure Golden Corral loses money on the price of our admissions.

chicken haiku - part 2

My co-workers have informed me that what I wrote yesterday was NOT a haiku, but instead it is gibberish. I mistakenly thought that Haiku was 14 syllables thrown together. I should have paid better attention in high school English class at good old St. X. Sorry Mrs. Rapier.

So here's the rewrite:

buxom baywatch babe
guards tasty deep fried chickens
but I love them so

If the world had a little more haiku, and a little less terrorism, we'd have a bunch of Japanese poets running around not trying to shoot the rest of us.